20 July, 2004

The Neighbor's Kid

An old man in Mississippi was sitting on his front porch watching
the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying
something big under his arm. He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got
there?"

Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."

Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens."

Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with
chicken wire!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old
man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with
about 30 chickens caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise
and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in
his hand.

Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape."

Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks."

Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with
duck tape!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the
old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll
of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by
carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the
end.

Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy says "It's a pussy willow."

Old man says "Wait up.... I'll get my hat."

Texas State Trooper

Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a
state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his
nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper
smacks him in the head with the stick.

The driver says, "Why'd you do that?

The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over,
you'll have your license ready."

Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He
gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger
side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down,
and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.

The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"

The cop says,"Just making your wishes come true."

The passenger says, "Huh?"

The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna
say, 'I wish that mother fucker would've tried that shit with
me!'"

Hillbilly Duck Hunter

A hillbilly went hunting one day in Oklahoma and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like hillbillies.

The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting license and the hillbilly pulled out a valid Oklahoma hunting license.

The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, "This duck ain't from Oklahoma. This is a Kansas duck. You got a Kansas huntin' license, boy?"

The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kansas hunting license.

The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, "This ain't no Kansas duck. This duck's from Arkansas. You got a Arkansas license?"

The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Arkansas hunting license.

The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed it's butt, and said, "This ain't no Arkansas duck. This here duck's from South Carolina. You got a South Carolina huntin' license?"

Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a South Carolina hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly "Just where the hell are you from?"

The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, "You tell me. You're the expert."

WHY CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG?

Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took
a window seat and the other sat next to him in the
middle seat. Just before take-off an American sat
down in the aisle seat.

After take-off, the American kicked his shoes off,
wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab
in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get
a Coke."

"Don't get up," said the American, "I'm in the aisle
seat. I'll get it for you."

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up one of
the American's shoes and spat in it. When the American
returned with the Coke, the other Arab said, "That looks
good. I'd really like one, too." Again, the American
obligingly went to fetch it.

While he was gone the other Arab picked up the other
shoe and spat in it. When the American returned,
they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane
was landing, the American slipped his feet into his
shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

Looking the two Arabs squarely in the eye, the American
said, "Why does it have to be this way? How long
must this go on? This fighting between our nations?
This hatred? This animosity?
This spitting in shoes and pissing in Cokes?"

15 July, 2004

Rancher Wife & the Hired Hand

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted
wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and determined
to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so
she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else
applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be
safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every
day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them
worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day , the rancher's widow said to the hired hand,
"You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great.
You should go into town an kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one
Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock, and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty,
and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow
sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra."
Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties."
By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said,
"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

Social Security

After retiring, I went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry but I seemed to have left my wallet at home.

"I will have to go home and come back later."

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver chest hair.

She says, "That silver hair is proof enough for me," and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience.

She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too."

Bathroom Miracles!

An 80-year-old man went for his annual check up
and the doctor said,
"Friend, for your age you're in the best shape I've seen."

The old man replied, "Yep. It comes from clean living.
I know I live a good, clean, spiritual life."

The doctor asked, "What makes you say that?"

The old man replied, "If I didn't live a good, clean life the
Lord wouldn't turn the bathroom light on for me every
time I get up in the middle of the night."

The doc was concerned.

"You mean when you get up in the night to go to the
bathroom, the Lord Himself turns on the light for you?"

"Yep," the old man said, "whenever I get up to go to
the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for me."

Well, the doctor didn't say anything else, but when the
old man's wife came in for her check up, he felt he had
to let her know what her husband said.

"I just want you to know," the doctor said. "Your husband's
in fine physical shape but I'm worried about his mental
condition. He told me that every night when he gets up to
go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him."

"He what?" she cried.

"He said every night when he gets up to go to the
bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him."

"A-ha!" she exclaimed.
"So he's the one who's been peeing in the refrigerator!"

Door to Door Scam

Importance: High

I hate people that forward too many warnings as much as anyone, but this one is important!
Send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list!

If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey on deer ticks and
ask you to take your clothes off and dance around, do not do it!

IT IS A SCAM; they only want to see you naked.

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday; I feel so stupid now.