Things real men never say...

1. I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker.
2. No I don't want another beer. I have to work tomorrow.
3. Her tits are just too big.
4. Sometimes I just want to be held.
5. That old broad on "Murder, She Wrote" gives me a woody
6. Sure, I'd love to wear a condom
7. We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I can
hold your purse.
8. Fuck Monday Night Football, let's watch Melrose Place.
9. It's late. Put your clothes back on and I'll take you home.
10. Honey, I'm going to the store, do you need more tampons?
11. I know you just blew me, but I need a kiss.
12. I'm sick of beer, give me a fruit juice with a lemon twist.
13. That's wonderful, when will your mother be here and how long can
she stay?
14. I wonder if my gorgeous neighbor knows that her drapes are open
when she's getting ready for bed. Maybe I should tell her.
15. No way, you weeded the garden last week. It's my turn
16. Better get rid of these old Playboy magazines. I don't look at them
any more
17. I understand.
18. This movie has too much nudity.
19. Damn, we're late for church
20. No, I don't want to see your sister's tits.
21. Damn these onions, pass me a tissue.
22. Put some panties on for Christ's sake
23. I'm pulling over to get directions
24. Here, you take the remote control
25. That bikini is too revealing

Alligator Trick

A guy walks into a bar with an alligator under his arm. He puts the
alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make
you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then
the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and
I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of
you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers,
and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as
the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator
hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals,
unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again
and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell
over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A buxom young
blonde woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head
with the beer bottle."

The Magic Frog

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on
the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He
thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit, 9
Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit, 9 Iron."
He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other
club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup.


He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a
lucky frog, eh?" The frog reply's "Ribbit, Lucky frog." The man decides
to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?"
the man asks. "Ribbit, 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom!
Hole in one.

The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the
day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the
frog, "OK where to next?"

The frog replied, "Ribbit, Las Vegas." They go to "Las Vegas and the
guy says, "OK frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit, Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table,
the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit, $3000, black 6."

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the
man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across
the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the
hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay
you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog
replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog
did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous
15-year-old girl.

And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room.

Irish Bar Fight

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over
by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and
bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That bastard, O'Conner," says Sean. "He couldn't do al that to you, he
must
have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin'
he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have
something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it
was, but useless in a fight."

Irish Husband

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives
at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my
husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down
at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh God, no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me.."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and
drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go
quickly?"

"Well, no Brenda... no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

Irish Wife

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and
she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary, my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last
night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any
last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father.."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

Irish Confessional

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits
down but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits
there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin', there's no paper on this side

Hail Storm Damage

A blonde left her car out in a hail storm.

When the storm was over she checked the car and found out it was
covered with small dents. She went to the local garage and
inquired how to fix the problem. The mechanic told her to blow on
the tailpipe and the dents would be removed. She took the car
home parked it and proceeded to blow on the pipe.

Another blonde came by and inquired what she was doing, she told
her she was blowing on the tailpipe to remove the dents. The
other blonde responded, "that's not going to work unless you roll
up the windows."

Barbie & GIJoe

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she
climbs up on Santa's lap.

Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for
Christmas?"

The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and a GIJoe."

Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought
Barbie comes with Ken."

"No", said the little girl, "She comes with GI Joe, she fakes it
with Ken."

Short & sweet #1

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A psychologist's secretary comes into the office.

Secretary: "There is a man in the lobby who thinks he is invisible."
Doctor: "Tell him I can't see him today."

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Fishing Wisdom

Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day
Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

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Scientists have recently discovered a food that greatly reduces sex
drive, its called wedding cake!

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After many years of collecting data, Cambridge sex researchers have
determined that the human penis may be classified according to one of
five basic size groups: small, medium, large, "Oh my God!" and "Does
that come in white?

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What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

Bad Golfer: "Whack!" "Shit!"

Bad Skydiver: "Shit!!" "Whack!!"

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Life sucks. I lent a guy ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now I
don't know what he looks like.

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A truck carrying copies of Roget's Thesaurus over-turned on the
highway. The local newspaper reported that the onlookers were "stunned,
overwhelmed, astonished, bewildered, and dumbfounded."

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Q. Why was the blond sniffing Sweet & Low?
A. She thought it was Diet Coke!

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Gender Inequality?

Why is it when a man talks nasty to a woman it's Sexual harassment and
when a woman talks nasty to a man it's $3.99 a minute?

Load of excitement

Two guys are in a strip joint, one is sitting in front of the
other. A woman comes on stage and starts stripping. The guy in
back says,"Oh yeah, Oh yeah!"

Then the first guys turns around and says, "hey man, shut up!"

Then two women come out and start stripping. The guy in back,
once again, starts,"Yeah baby..mmmm....yeah!"

Once again the guy in front turns around and tells the man to be
quiet. So three women come out and start stripping. The guy in
back is silent. The guy in front says,"Hey man, where's all your
excitement now?"

The guy behind him says,"All over your back!"

Embarrassing Situations

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at
the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over
to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you
for a while?"

To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't
sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is
hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She
smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a
graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to
embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200
for a blowjob?"

Responses on CSA forms

The following are all replies that have been included on Child Support
Agency forms in the section for listing father's details.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins child A was fathered
by [name removed]. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B,
but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being
sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide
you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this
helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was
conceived
at a party [address and date given] where I had unprotected sex with a man
I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted.
If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number
? Thanks

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW
that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps
you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it
replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from Pope
confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ
risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do
so
would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the
British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by my
country please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squadies look the
same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

8. [name given] is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can
you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs ?

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney
maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for
sure is Delia Smith did a programme about eggs earlier in the evening. If
I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at
[address given] mine might have remained unfertilised.

Deep Thought for the Day---by Jack Handy

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed.
Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery
and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they
might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to
myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true
than be selfish and worry about my liver."

What goes through a cat's mind

Monday - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling
objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry
cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the
satisfaction from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may
eat another houseplant.

Tuesday - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet
while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the
stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once
again induced myself to throw up on their favorite chair... must try this on
their bed.

Wednesday - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep
depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

Thursday - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in
attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike
fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good
little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan...


Friday - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I
was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning
foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid?
My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

Saturday - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was
placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and
smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I
overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn
what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

Sunday - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches.
The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is
obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant.
He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to molespeak) and
speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to
his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can
wait; it is only a matter of time.

Thinking outside the box

Three convicts were on their way to prison; a mobster, a drunk,
and a Texas Aggie. Each was allowed to take one item to help
pass the time while incarcerated. On the bus, the drunk guy
turned to the mobster and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The mobster pulled out a box of paints and explained that he
intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the da
Vinci of the prison system. Then he asked the drunk, "What did
you bring?"

He then pulled out a deck of cards, grinned and said, "I brought
cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of
games."

The Aggie was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The
other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did
you bring?"

Pulling out a box of tampons, he said with a smile, "I brought
these."

Puzzled, the other two convicts asked, "What can you do with
THOSE?"

Pointing to the box, he replied with a grin, "Well, according to
the box, I can go horseback-riding, swimming, roller-skating..."

Things Most Women Will Never Say

You know, I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you for
ignoring me.

That was fun, when will all of your friends be over to watch pornos again?

The new girl in my office is a stripper, I invited her over for dinner on
Friday.

Bar food again?? Kick ass

I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girlfriend has class.

That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am. Cool, I'm gonna go over and
talk to her.

I love hearing stories about your old girlfriends, tell me more.

I like using this new lawn mower so much more than the old one, what a
wonderful Valentines day !

Let's just leave the toilet seat "up" at all times, then you don't have to
mess with it anymore.

It's only the third quarter, you should order a couple more pitchers.

Honey, come here! Watch me do a Tequila Shot off of Stephanie's bare ass!

I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll ever change it
again.

You passed out before brushing your teeth again, ya big silly.

A herd of buffalo

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the
herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are
killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole,
because the general speed and health of the whole keeps improving by the
regular culling of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human
brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive
intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it
attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular
consumption of beer eliminates the weaker cells, constantly making the
brain a faster and more efficient machine. The results of this in-depth
epidemiological study verifies and validates the causal link between
all-weekend parties and professional performance. It also explains why,
after a few short years of leaving a university and getting married, most
workers cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates. Only
those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic
consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieved during
their university years. So, this is a call to arms. As our country is
losing its technological edge we should not shudder in our homes. Get back
into the bars! Drink that beer! Your company and country need you to be at
your peak, and you shouldn't deny yourself the career that you could have.

Binary Humor

There are 10 kinds of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who don't.