Tale of the three mice (Midwestern)

After attending the funeral of a Texas mouse killed by an eighty year old lady with a broom, three mice, one from Minnesota, one from Iowa and one from Nebraska, are sitting at a bar trying to impress each other regarding how tough they are.

The Minnesota mouse throws down a shot of bourbon, slams the empty glass onto the bar, turns to the Nebraska mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."

The Nebraska mouse orders up two shots of tequila, drinks them down one after the other, slams both glasses onto the bar, turns to the Minnesota mouse and replies, "Oh yeah? When I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The Minnesota mouse and the Nebraska mouse then turn to the Iowa mouse.

The Iowa mouse finishes the beer he has in front of him, lets out a long sigh and says to the two,
"I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and have sex with the cat."

Bullets

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.

"What's wrong?" asked the mother.

"I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out."

Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears.

"It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened... you were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."

"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."

Should children witness childbirth?

Due to a power cut at the time Heidi was about to give birth and only one paramedic responded to the call, the house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn, a 3-year old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mummy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked.

Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.

Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Katelyn quickly responded,
"He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Smack him again."

This just in...

Two boys in Boston were playing basketball when a rabid Rottweiler attacked one of them.

Thinking quickly, the other boy ripped board off a near by fence, wedged it into the dog's collar and twisted it, breaking the dog's neck. A newspaper reporter from the Boston Herald witnessed the incident and rushed over to interview the boy.

The reporter began entering data into his laptop, beginning with the headline:
"Brave Young Celtic's Fan Saves Friend From Jaws Of Vicious Animal."

"But I'm not a Celtic's fan, "the little hero interjected.

"Sorry, replied the reporter. "But since we're in Boston, Mass, I just assumed you were."

Hitting the delete key, the reporter began "John Kerry Fan rescues friend From Horrific Dog Attack."

"But I'm not a Kerry fan either," the boy responds.

The reporter says, "I assumed everybody in this state was either for the Celtic's or Kerry or Kennedy."

"What team or person do you like?"

"I'm a Houston Rockets fan and I really like George W. Bush" the boy says.

Hitting the delete key, the reporter begins again,
"Arrogant Little Conservative Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet."

What Causes Arthritis?

A drunk man, who smelled like beer, sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
The priest replied, "My Son, it's caused by loose living; being with cheap, wicked women; too much alcohol; contempt for your fellow man; sleeping around with prostitutes; and lack of bathing."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be darned," then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

Why Men Are Just Happier People

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental - $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood - all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks and guns.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars by yourself.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

Exact Change??

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.
The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke."
The waitress turns to the ostrich. "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $12.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man.
"Same for me," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $32.48."
Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something like that, but you'll always have as much money as you need for as long as you live."
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man proudly.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man looks a bit crestfallen, sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

Crab Walking

A lonely female crab was walking down the beach one evening when she noticed a male crab coming toward her—but he was walking straight and not sideways!

Impressed by his talent, she decided to marry him immediately.

The next morning she noticed him walking sideways like any ordinary crab!
She asked, "What happened? Yesterday you were able to walk straight!"

He answered "What?! I can't get that drunk every day!.

Celtic Humor

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little snit, O'Conner," says Sean, "he couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight,"

===============================================

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf,"

=========================================


Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.
But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda.
"There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. "Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda... no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

=========================================


Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father..
" The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?
" She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...' "

===========================================


AND THE BEST FOR LAST.
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin', there's no paper on this side either.


===========================================

Duh!?

My dad asked my mom a very simple question the other day: "Which is faster, light or sound?" Mom replied, "Light." My dad thought this was very good, until my mom explained why she chose light. "Because it's lighter," she said.

I heard this story and decided to ask my wife the same question. Her answer was that sound was faster. I asked her why she thought that sound was faster than light. Her response was "Because you hear something first and then you look around and see it."

=

One of the secretaries at our office made a copy of a document and put the original through the shredder. When I questioned this, she explained that the client did not need the document, and the file only needed a copy, so there was no need to keep the original document. She couldn't understand my amusement.

=

While trying to exit a gas station onto a busy highway, I was evaluating the oncoming traffic and I asked my wife how it looked on her side. She replied, "Its all clear," so I started to pull out. She continued, "Not a cloud in the sky!"

=

My nephew, a freshman in college, attended a meeting in his dorm in which everyone introduced themselves and shared some personal information to get acquainted. My nephew introduced himself and mentioned that he has two moms. An Induhvidual looked at him and said, in all seriousness, "So… does this mean that one of them is a lesbian?"

=

We don't have cable, so I get tasked with adjusting the antenna when reception isn't good. The other day, my wife called me from another room and asked me to fix the reception on a program that she had recorded earlier in the day.

=

In history class, we were having a discussing about current events, specifically rebuilding Afghanistan. I mentioned that improving its economy would be hard because it has no natural resources and little industry. One of my classmates asked, "Well, why don't they, like, build a giant water park or something there to get tourism?" Stunned silence followed. Surprisingly, this took place in an AP level class.

=

A few months back, the people in my office were talking about Mel Gibson's new movie, The Passion of the Christ.

One of my coworkers, a young 20 year old secretary, mentioned that she wasn't sure if she was going to go see it because it would be too sad. That's when I jokingly told her that "It's okay; he comes back in the end. I read the Book." At which point she says, "There's a book?"

Man with no legs

A young man was sitting on a beach. Tragically, through a recent car
accident,he had lost both his arms and legs. During the long afternoon,
as he remained on the beach, three women separately walked past him.
Each very sorry for the poor man.


The first woman said "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said "No", so
she gave
him a hug and walked on.


The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said "No," so
she gave
him a kiss and walked on.


The third woman came to him and said "Have you ever been screwed?"
The fellow
said "No". She said "You will be when the tide comes in."

Ha Ha Funny

- Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

- Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

- What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick

- What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko.

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

26. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

19. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

20. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

21. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

Questions lawyers should not ask

Why Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer:

In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand-a-grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The Lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said: "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."