Vegas Cabbie

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to
gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a
quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could
just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the
front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.

He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to
send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers,
his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.

The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have
fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was
forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his
flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain
his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big.
Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the
casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out
there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had
refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman
thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of
charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride

to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how
much for you to go down on me (oral sex) during the way?" "What?! Get
Out of my cab, you scum."

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and
asked the same questions, with the same result - getting kicked out of
each taxi.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and
asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen
bucks." The businessman said "O.K." and off they went.
Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman
gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

Talk is cheap

If you think talk is cheap, try hiring a lawyer.

How good does she look?

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting
up with her shit.

INSIDER'S GUIDE TO THE MALE VOCABULARY

"Haven't I seen you before?"
"Nice ass."

"I'm a Romantic."
"I'm poor."

"I need you"
"My hand is oh so tired."

"I am different from all the other guys"
"I am not circumcised."

"I want a commitment."
"I'm sick of masturbation."

"You're the only girl I've ever cared about"
"You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."

"I really want to get to know you better."
"So I can tell my friends about it."

"It's just orange juice, try it."
"3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head."

"She's kinda cute."
"I want to shag her till my dick drops off."

"I don't know if I like her"
"She won't let me shag her "

"I miss you so much"
"I am so horny that my male-roommate is starting to look good."

"Was it good for you?"
"I'm insecure about my manhood."

"How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?"
"Is my penis really that small?"

"I had a wonderful time last night."
"Who the hell are you?"

"Do you love me?"
"I've done something stupid and you might find out."

"Do you 'really' love me?"
"I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later."

"How much do you love me?"
"I've done something really stupid and someone's on his way to tell you
>about it now."

"I have something to tell you."
"Get tested."

"I'll give you a call."
"I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again."

"I've been thinking a lot."
"You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."

"I think we should just be friends."
"You're ugly."

"I've learned a lot from you."
"Next!!!!"

Santa suggestion

A cop on horseback is at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his
bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Santa bring that
to you?" The kid says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Tell Santa next year to put
a taillight on that bike." The kid says, "Nice horse you got there. Did
Santa bring that to you?" The cop says, "Yeah." The kid says, "Well, tell
Santa next year to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

Smoke Rings

A guy traveling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a
small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar,
ordered a drink, and lit up a cigar. As he sipped his drink, he
stood there quietly blowing smoke rings. After he blew nine or
ten smoke rings into the air, an angry American Indian
stomped up to him and said, "One more remark like that
and I'll smash your face in!"

Half time

A guy comes home from the bar drunk one night around 3 in the morning. His
wife is sleeping and he is trying to sneak into bed. He's laying in bed
for
a few minutes and cuts a fart.

His wife wakes up and asks, "What the hell was that?"

He replies, "Touchdown, I am winning 7 nothing."

She thinks to herself "I'm gonna fix him." Then she lets one loose.

He yells at her, "What was that?"

She replies "Touchdown, tie score."

Now he thinks, "I'm gonna fix her." He's laying there for about 10 minutes
trying to work one up. He tries so hard he shits in bed.

The wife asks, "Now what the hell was that?"

He replied, "Half time, switch sides."

Who IS your daddy?

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long she became pregnant and
they didn't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the
time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a

prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman, "I know what
we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby
to him and tell him it was a miracle."

"Do you think it will work?" she asks the doctor.

"It's worth a try," he says. So the doctor delivers the baby and then
operates on the priest.

After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're
not going to believe this."

"What ?" asked the priest, "What happened?"

"You gave birth to a child ", replied the doctor.

"But that's impossible!", said the stunned priest.

"I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle ! Here's
your baby."

Fifteen years has gone by, and the priest realizes that he must tell his
son the truth. One day he sits with the boy and says, "Son, I have
something to tell you. This is very difficult and I don't know where to
start. Here goes.....I'm not your father."

Puzzled the son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?"

The priest replies, "I'm your mother. The archbishop is your father."

Under The Stars

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good
meal and a bottle of wine they were exhausted and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson,
look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there
are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."

"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, I deduce
that the time is approximately a quarter past three."

"Theologically, I can see that the Lord is all powerful and that we are
>small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have
a >beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, Some
bastard has stolen our tent."

thermodynamics exam

>Here's one for the science & engineering types...
> A TRUE STORY
> A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his students.
> It had one question: "Is hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."
> Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyleis Law or
some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
>
> First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass.
If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate
are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think
that we can safely assume that once a soul gets into hell, it will not
leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
> As for souls entering hell, let's look at the different religions that
exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are
not a memeber of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more
than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one
religion we can project that all people, and all souls, go to hell. With
birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in
hell to increase exponentially.
> Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyleis Law states
that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same,
the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.
> #1 So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until
all hell breaks loose.
> #2 Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of
souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell
freezes over.
> So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Therese Banyan
during Freshman year, "that it will be a cold night in hell before I sleep
with you" and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in
having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and hell is
exothermic.
> The student got the only A.

You're next

When I was younger I hated going to weddings ...it
seemed that all of my
aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to
me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me,
"You're next."

They stopped that shit after I started doing the
same thing to them at
funerals.

A Quiz for The Gentlemen

1. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as:

a) Lovemaking
b) Screwing
c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've
both shared:

a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) Your blood-test results
c) Five tequila slammers

3. You time your orgasm so that:

a) Your partner climaxes first
b) You both climax simultaneously
c) You don't miss Sports Center

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

a) Healthy, creative love-play
b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with
is:

a) The best part of the experience
b) The second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra

6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last
month. You tell her that it is:

a) No concern of yours
b) Not a problem - she can join your gym
c) A conservative estimate

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:

a) A myth
b) An oxymoron
c) A moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:

a) Appetizer is to entree
b) Priming is to painting
c) A queue is to an amusement park ride


9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying
at the end of a relationship?

a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort
of intimacy
b) Is uptight and a waste of time
c) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place

If you answered 'A' more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure
you really are a man.

If you answered 'B' more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're still
a little confused.

If you answered 'C' more than 7 times, call me up. Let's go drinking.

optimist, pessimist, engineer

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

A FREE RIDE

A FREE RIDE
__________________________

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year.
Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that
there airplane."

And every year Martha would say, "I know, Stumpy, but that airplane
ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said,
"Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year
I may never get another chance."

Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars,
and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal.
I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the
entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you
say one word it's ten dollars."

Stumpy and Martha agree and up they go. The pilot does all kinds
of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He
does all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They land
and the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could
think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell
out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

Empire State Building

Empire State Building



This guy enters a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in New York. It looked like a nice place and he then takes a seat at the bar next to another guy. "This is a nice place, I've never been here before," the first guy says.

"Oh really?" the other replies, "it's also a very special bar."

"Why is that?", the first guy asks.

"Well, you see that painting on the far wall? That's an original Van Gogh, and this stool I'm sitting on was on the Titanic."

"Gee, that's amazing!", the first guy says.

"Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out, you'll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you're pushed back up."

"No way, that's impossible", the first guy replies.

"Not at all, take a look," the other man replies and walks over to the window, followed closely by the first man. He opens the window, climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window.

"See, it's fun. You should try it", he says.

"Try it? I don't even believe I saw it!" the first man shouts.

"It's easy. Watch, I'll do it again." And with that, he falls out the window, again. He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh!...he comes right back up and sails back through the window.

"Go ahead, give it a try, it's a blast!", he says.

"Well, what the heck, OK...I'll give it a try," the first man says and proceeds to fall out the window. He falls 10...20...30...40...50...100...200...300...500...1000 feet and SPLAT!!!!...ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk below.

After calmly watching the first man fall to his death, the other guy casually closes the window and heads back to the bar and orders another drink. The bartender arrives with the drink and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk!"

Slow boat

Slow boat

A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end
her life by throwing herself into the ocean in the port of New York. When she
went down to the docks, a sailor noticed her tears, took
pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in
the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good
care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm
around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy.
The girl nodded "yes." After all, what did she have to lose?
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then
on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they
made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine search,
she was discovered by the captain.

"What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "He's taking me
to Europe, and he's screwing me.
"He sure is, lady," said the Captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry.".

54 Reasons Why Sheep are Better Than Women

1.Sheep don't have a gag reflex, or upper teeth.
2.You can get a better grip on a sheep's ear.
3.Sheep don't shy away from boots and leather.
4.Cotton mouth is easier to get rid of than a social disease.
5.Nuttin' beats mutton!
6.Sheep won't argue about whose turn it is to go get a towel.
7.Sheep won't drink your liquor, smoke your weed, snort your coke, and then tell you they have to be home early.
8.Sheep never ask if you're ready to settle down.
9.Sheep never ask about you former lovers and then get pissed off when you tell them.
10.No matter how old or ugly you are, you can always find a willing ewe.
11.Sheep are never concerned about their reputation.
12.Sheep won't tell all their friends about the time you couldn't get it up.
13.Sheep won't ask if you're gay, when you can't get it up for the second time.
14.Sheep never insist on eating out.
15.You'll never catch your sheep masturbating to a picture of Mel Gibson.
16.Sheep don't get suspicious if you have to work late.
17.Sheep don't smell like tuna fish.
18.Sheep don't get moody once a month.
19.You can eat a lamb chop without getting wool stuck in your teeth.
20.A sheep doesn't expect you to support her for the rest of her life after one roll in the hay.
21.A sheep never wears curlers and a mud pack to bed.
22.A sheep doesn't stop screwing after the honeymoon.
23.A sheep won't get drunk and throw up in your car.
24.A sheep won't think that a weekend stay-over entitles her to rearrange your furniture and put up new curtains.
25.A sheep won't expect you to pay...and pay...and pay...and pay
26.A sheep will never complain about the spittoon in your pickup.
27.A sheep will never throw out your old copies of Playboy.
28.A sheep won't care of you keep your fish bait in the refrigerator.
29.A sheep won't get even with you by spending your paycheck on new clothes, none of which are see-through or meant to be worn in the bedroom.
30.A sheep will never sue you for palimony.
31.A sheep won't care if you screw her sister.
32.A sheep won't care if your secretary is better looking than she is.
33.A sheep will never tell you the ceiling needs to be painted while you're screwing.
34.A sheep won't use you razor to shave its legs, or your pocket knife to open a paint can.
35.Sheep never have a headache.
36.A sheep won't give your favorite hunting shirt to Goodwill.
37.A sheep won't leave wet nylons hanging all over the bathroom.
38.A sheep will never ask you to stop on the way home from work and pick up a box of tampons.
39.Sheep grow their own fur coats.
40.A sheep will never leave a vibrator on the living room couch when you're having friends over to watch football.
41.Sheep won't cheat on you with your best friend.
42.A sheep will never ask if you'll still respect her in the morning.
43.Sheep aren't into talking before or after sex.
44.A sheep never yells at you for leaving the lid up.
45.A sheep won't send you out for batteries for her vibrator.
46.A sheep doesn't think it's demeaning or kinky to do it doggy style.
47.A sheep won't mind if you put up mirrors in the bedroom.
48.Sheep are "ram tough".
49.A sheep won't think your cheap and tacky if you: send daisies instead of long-stemmed red roses, tip less than 20%, wear levis with a hole in the seat, or open beer bottles with your teeth.
50.Sheep don't mind if you leave the lights on.
51.Sheep don't mind doing it in the morning.
52.Sheep don't mind doing it in a pickup truck.
53.A sheep will never use the excuse that: she just did her nails, it's too hot, it's too cold, you'll wake up the kids, you'll wake the neighbors, she's too drunk to enjoy it, or she's not drunk enough to enjoy it.
54.A sheep will never leave you for a cucumber.